Saturday, April 16, 2011

Why did I want her?

Back home after a long day at work, drained out, and a pile of chores to be attended to -Something happened to change the monotony into a firing up of emotions.My daughter runs to me , hugs me and asks, 'Mumma, why did you have me?"
How does one answer that seemingly inoccouous question.
-Is it because I wanted a girl
-Or a brother wanted a sister
-Or that we just wanted another child
No I definitely wanted a girl
Why did I have her?
Its a difficult question to answer.
Yes , I wanted a child, a second one at that,desperately..
Waited for a long time, till we both were together, after living together in fits and starts for some years
It's a lot to ponder over.
Ever since I remember, we sisters and brothers have been so close. Each  time one of us was in trouble, the others would pitch in to keep the flow keep the morale high.We still do...
So maybe that was one thought, they wud take care of each other .
Another was- maybe they needed playmates- But playmates they grow out of each other,once they grow into precocious tweens
Why did i want her then:-
I shared a wonderful and close relationship with my mother,more so as she grew old and I grew up.I saw how little things made her happy
I saw how her concern for each one of us vibrated in her words and life.As she grew older it was a sort of role reversal. We became the  ones who wanted to do something for her. Every little thing that could give her happiness, we would try and do.As she had always taught us, that feelings matter more than money . Every act of love, that could make her feel good.The love in her eyes was reward enough for us
When her fingers were twisted with arthiritis, she would need help with her clothes. At times she would need help with small things, One in a while she would want our help to remember the names of some long forgotten aquaintance .It was  the medicines to be given on time , the small ways to keep her comfortable
More than anything, our endeveaour to convince her that she was the most loved mother for each one of us.
When she couldn't work any more, after a lifetime of taking care of everyone else, we made her see that her identity was not as her work, but rather the unique personality of hers which knew how to give and receive love.That was her importance
So probably when I wanted to have a daughter,it was these things that were  on my mind. I wanted someone with whom I could share the joy of being a daughter. A tiny gentleness in my home as she grew up, a whiff of freshness. A girl with whom  I could share small secrets. someone whom I could  comfort through friend ,fights and heartaches. But all this is a very small part of the desire
What I desire is someone to love me as I grow old.  A daughter who will touch me in the same way.
Someone who will  validate her love even if I cant work and take care of her.
Someone who will brush and tie up my hair when I old age and infirmity dull the responses and ravage my body.
 But for that matter, it could be my son too. It could be  the little girls who call me mami. It could be the some distant girl in the family or neighbourhood
Actually that hand which brushes my hair could be anyone, even my son.And that daughter could be anyone, even my son.
So what I wanted was a daughter , not a girl.
I am indeed blessed . I got what I wanted , and twice over!


  1. what i understand is that the girl inside u wanted her twin company as a female child through your womb or by unravelling the daughter element in sparsh.......................a soul aching.............melding of feminine energy of mother daughter n grand daughter.............three generations of immortal love.......that rises light n heavenwards as the pure morning transparent mist.......difficult to contain in physical dimensions................n love the shared emotion lives on in every fibre of your being .. mother alights from her throne to meet u in this plane the special journey undertaken only for many times do u feel it...yet it is a reality....she goes back refreshed each time seeing that love for her timeless n ageless in ur eyes...her reward for undertaking the arduous journey downwards........................