Why did I want her?

Back home after a long day at work, drained out, and a pile of chores to be attended to -Something happened to change the monotony into a firing up of emotions.My daughter runs to me , hugs me and asks, 'Mumma, why did you have me?"

How does one answer that seemingly inoccouous question.

-Is it because I wanted a girl

-Or a brother wanted a sister

-Or that we just wanted another child

No I definitely wanted a girl

Why did I have her?

Its a difficult question to answer.

Yes , I wanted a child, a second one at that,desperately..

Waited for a long time, till we both were together, after living together in fits and starts for some years

It's a lot to ponder over.

Ever since I remember, we sisters and brothers have been so close. Each  time one of us was in trouble, the others would pitch in to keep the flow going..to keep the morale high.We still do...

So maybe that was one thought, they wud take care of each other .

Another was- maybe they needed playmates- But playmates they grow out of each other,once they grow into precocious tweens

Why did i want her then:-

I shared a wonderful and close relationship with my mother,more so as she grew old and I grew up.I saw how little things made her happy

I saw how her concern for each one of us vibrated in her words and life.As she grew older it was a sort of role reversal. We became the  ones who wanted to do something for her. Every little thing that could give her happiness, we would try and do.As she had always taught us, that feelings matter more than money . Every act of love, that could make her feel good.The love in her eyes was reward enough for us

When her fingers were twisted with arthiritis, she would need help with her clothes. At times she would need help with small things, One in a while she would want our help to remember the names of some long forgotten aquaintance .It was  the medicines to be given on time , the small ways to keep her comfortable

More than anything, our endeveaour to convince her that she was the most loved mother for each one of us.

When she couldn't work any more, after a lifetime of taking care of everyone else, we made her see that her identity was not as her work, but rather the unique personality of hers which knew how to give and receive love.That was her importance

So probably when I wanted to have a daughter,it was these things that were  on my mind. I wanted someone with whom I could share the joy of being a daughter. A tiny gentleness in my home as she grew up, a whiff of freshness. A girl with whom  I could share small secrets. someone whom I could  comfort through friend ,fights and heartaches. But all this is a very small part of the desire

What I desire is someone to love me as I grow old.  A daughter who will touch me in the same way.

Someone who will  validate her love even if I cant work and take care of her.

Someone who will brush and tie up my hair when I old age and infirmity dull the responses and ravage my body.

 But for that matter, it could be my son too. It could be  the little girls who call me mami. It could be the some distant girl in the family or neighbourhood

Actually that hand which brushes my hair could be anyone, even my son.And that daughter could be anyone, even my son.

So what I wanted was a daughter , not a girl.

I am indeed blessed . I got what I wanted , and twice over!